I don’t know whether or not to really count this year in our marriage to be honest. See in April is when Brian asked for divorce, and when I moved out. So technically only 4 months of the year “counted”. The only reason we’re still married right now is because I’m pregnant. I need the health insurance. If I wasn’t pregnant I would have signed the divorce papers and the divorce would have been finalized on Nov. 21st.

We are trying to work things out, but I have to be honest, things just aren’t being done that need to be done, and it’s making me rethink my plan to move back in with Brian. Sure he says he loves me, that he’s made a big mistake, etc… but he still refuses to do what’s necessary to prove it to me and  I have to wonder why. If he can’t even put the effort into doing what needs to be done to make it work, why would I in my right mind trust him again?

So we’ll see how it goes. I’m not even remotely ready to open myself up emotionally to him if he’s not going to put any effort into things. I can’t just forget. I’ve forgiven, and I can move on, but you have to give me reason to forget and “let go” so that I can in fact love him again. And he’s not doing that at the moment. I’m trying, trying to find a way to love him again, but I get so angry when he can’t even prioritize our marriage and do what he said he would.

In the end I know that I could love him again and live with him again, and let this all go, I just need a bit of effort out of him. If I don’t see any, I’m not sure what I’ll do. This pregnancy has kind of thrown a wrench in everything.

1. So on Sept. 30th we got Brian moved out of the house and turned in the keys with a nice little letter telling the property management company that we aren’t idiots and know our rights. It seemed to scare them into doing what they need to do, the house is back on the market at a reasonable rent and I think we’ll be getting our security deposit back by the 21st.

2. I went to the doctor today. I was worried about some moles. The doctor said they looked fine and that I shouldn’t worry, especially about the smaller ones. So I asked her for some anti-anxiety medication for when I have really bad nights. She gave me something, forgot it’s name, and said only take it once in a while, don’t use it constantly. I don’t like medication anyhow so I’ll only use it when I’m having a really bad night. I think maybe just having it available too will make me feel better. You know, knowing you have the ability to go to the drug should you need to.

3. Took Kaylee to see the doctor as well, she had a lump on her back. He said it’s just a bruise. LOL! Sometimes I feel so stupid taking her in for small things but Kaylee is not a normal child and the small things might be big things for her. He says she’s fine and not to worry. But I know he understands why I worry, I mean she has a chronic illness that we deal with everyday. How can I not worry.

4. The doctor asked me if I knew the trigger of my anxiety. I said, yeah my daughter has a chronic illness and I’m going through a divorce. She was like, yeah that will do it.

5. I wonder how I’m going to broach the subject of the divorce with Kaylee’s doctor’s, both her pediatrician and her endocrinologist. None of them ask about home life, so I don’t feel it’s appropriate to offer up that kind of information. But sometimes when they ask how Kaylee’s dad is doing I’m like, fine. I guess it’s easier to pretend that he’s fine rather than potentially have them feel weird because I said “I don’t know, we’re divorced.”

6. Kaylee’s doctor noticed my necklace today and I have to wonder if that partly had to do with the top I’m wearing and it’s insanely low cut (I try to get it not to look that way but so far no luck). LOL!!

7. Kaylee fell and hit her head today at school. They say she’s fine that she got up and was back at it. But they put ice on it. I can imagine when she gets home it’s going to be all she talks about. Hell for weeks, I bet you she’ll tell her Endo in two weeks that she fell and hit her head. She can hold onto that kind of thing for weeks.

8. I’m going to set up an echocardiogram for Kaylee here soon. I don’t think she needs it but the doctor would feel better if she had it done. Her pediatrician didn’t think it was necessary but told me to do it anyhow because obviously her Endo felt it was important. It isn’t a complicated test so I’m not worried. I don’t even think it’s that long.

9. NaNoWriMo starts in Nov. I’m going to write a novel. Not sure about what yet but I’ll write something.

10. I have to charge my camera battery. Must remember to charge the battery.

So I’ve been sitting here with nothing to do, I’ll probably go cut the patterns for the clothes I’m going to make her soon, thinking about this morning and getting increasingly angrier at him for all of this.

My cats have to go live in a cage, although better than being potentially killed because they aren’t “adoptable” cats at their age, because he has to go live with his mom. And they won’t be in the cage for long, just until they adapt to their new playmates and they’ll be happy with their new playmates for sure, so it’s not hugely bad. But damnit they had a house to run around in, now they’re going back to apartment living. I doubt they’ll give a rats ass about it, they don’t care, someone will actually pay attention to them now, so they’ll probably be overjoyed, but it’s just annoying in general.

Then it seems this job is falling into place and if I get the shift I want, the 6:30 to 3pm (I think they do half hour lunches) at least then I can spend more time with Kaylee after work and she won’t have to be in school too long. Although if I get the 8 to 5 shift I’ll be home by 5:30 because either center is close, so that’s not bad either. It’s a good job too and has great potential for moving up as well to being a director of some type within the organization. So I think this opportunity is a great one. Even better is the fact that it has benefits, so that’s great. I just hope that in two years when my Spousal Support ends that I’ll be able to afford to live just on my own salary. If I didn’t have a car to pay for I wouldn’t be having such issues, but I do have a car to pay for, one that won’t be anywhere near paid off within the next two years, but in two years the lease is up and I’ll have the option to purchase it and that will probably bring down the payments.

Anyhow it’s just been a rather depressing and annoying day. Everyone else seems to have such great things going on in their life, and frankly there’s not much to be happy about with mine right now. Most know I try to be positive most of the time, because being angry and depressed is such a waste, but I can’t always be positive. I just want something good you know, happy perhaps, to happen. I don’t know what that would be though. Well in a week or two I’ll be fine though because I bet this is nothing more than womanly monthly issues than real emotions. (LOL! I know too much information but it kind of explains the feelings.)

Anyhow maybe I can kick out this outfit for Kaylee so she can wear it to school on Monday.

We get into the session and he lays down that he doesn’t want to be married. Needless to say I was a bit blindsided. He’d spent the previous week telling me otherwise, how stupid he was, how important I was to him, that he loved me. Then he says he doesn’t want to be married, that he can’t say that he’ll be able to be committed to me and just me. Apparently he wants the option to explore the world.

So here I am sitting in a counseling session thinking we were starting to work things out, and obviously he was on a different page.

He says he wants honest and open communication. I don’t know what the hell that even means? He knows I’m pissed off. I’m not going to pour my soul out to him, what’s the point it doesn’t matter anyhow. So what exactly this Honest and Open Communication is, is beyond me. We’re civil and still do crap together so I don’t see how there is anything wrong with how things are. I’m not sure what he wants. I’m guessing he wants someone to tell him that what he’s doing is okay, that it’s fine and don’t feel guilty anymore. I think he wants me to tell him it’s okay, that I understand and it’s alright for him to move on.

I honestly don’t care anymore. He can do whatever the hell he pleases. Now I just have to figure out how to let go. I don’t exactly know how to do that or even if I can do that. It’s hard for me to not care about people, no matter how much wrong they’ve done me.

Oddly enough in all of this it seems the bulk of the crap is falling on me. But I’m assuming Brian is in some of the same situation. But I’m tired of having to figure stuff out. I have to find a place for my cats because it’s clear that I can’t bring them here. I have to find a job. I have to find a place to live (which obviously isn’t happening anytime soon cause all my money now goes to bills and tuition so living in the same room as my child is how it’s going to be I guess).

You know good luck to him and his freedom now. He’s free to do whatever the heck he pleases with whatever women he wants to know. Have fun with your stupid free-time. Enjoy not having to take care of a child or worry about the feelings of your wife. Have fun never having to remember anyone’s birthday or make any effort to do anything what-so-ever for anyone but yourself. Good luck to your.

While you’re out doing whatever you damn well please I’ll be working my ass off and taking care of our child. She’ll have the best damn life ever because I’ll make it happen. So don’t worry about anything. You go have your damn fun and freedom. Hope it’s worth it.

ETA: I guess I should clarify. Yes there is visitation but I do the bulk of the work. And Brian said he didn’t want to do that one week on and one week off stuff because he hated as a child, but of course he’s changed his mind about that as well. But until he can prove he’s stable and stable for a long time, that won’t be happening at all. And I’ll fight him tooth and nail on that issue until otherwise. How can you trust someone with a child who can’t even make up his mind and changes how he feels every three days or so?

That’s hard to say, that the possibility of marriage is still open for me because it’s often hard to know what is right in this situation especially when so many people feel that even contemplating staying married is plain stupid.

Yeah a lot has happened and there comes a point where one has to decide whether it’s gone too far. Also you have to figure out whether you’re still in love or you’re in love with what was normal and afraid to go do something new.

I don’t know, I honestly have no idea. I worry about a lot of things that frankly shouldn’t be worried about, mainly what people will think if somehow we work things out and remain married.

Well I do a lot of praying in the hopes that the “right thing” will be revealed to me and make things a bit easier.

So I think what needs to be worked on is being friends. I want him to have at least one person in his life that can help him and help him work through his emotions and crap. So I don’t mind doing that. Plus that’s good for Kaylee, being friends and all.

I do though have to separate myself a bit from it all because it can be emotionally draining in general. I think by being friends I’ll be able to protect myself from ever being put in this situation again.

Now my only hope is finding a job I actually enjoy. If I have to work I’d rather do it somewhere where I have fun and want to go there. I’d hate to be at a place where I’d be thinking about going home all the time. That would make it tough.

Then I wonder if we did it wrong. Perhaps not doing the wedding, by placing such an unimportance on the ceremony and doing it in Vegas made it less of a commitment? Although I’m so beyond grateful we didn’t put thousands of thousands of dollars into a wedding just to have the marriage not work out.

I’ve also been thinking lately about my lack of any real choice in this. Brian keeps saying that I deserve better than him and frankly isn’t that my choice, to determine if he’s “good enough” or not? I mean why does he get to just say that I deserve better, that he’s a “bad” person. And who’s to say I’d find better anyhow. I guess I’m just annoyed with the lack of say in the matter. I forgave a lot of what he’s done in the past, I did make a commitment to be with him through better or worse and yeah some things were pretty bad but that didn’t change anything and the vows I took. I guess people would say that’s stupid.

I mean even after this last event, whether he cheated or not, because I don’t know for sure because he’s told a lot of lies, I was willing to forgive, forget and work on our marriage.

I mean even now, no matter how much I would love to ignore him, if he were to call for help I’d drop everything and go help him. It pisses my mom off that I do that. But frankly whether people believe it or not, I actually do love the guy and I worry constantly about him, and I pray constantly that he gets some peace with his disorder and that he gets the happiness he seems to be looking for. And I’m sad that I couldn’t provide that for him.

Anyhow perhaps in general we just went about things all wrong. Who knows. One just hopes that in fact people are right, that I can someday find someone who’ll love me. I guess I just don’t understand how two people who had so much in common, at least I thought so, and even if he didn’t think it I was intensly interested in what he did and liked, just could fall apart like that.

It’s getting very frustrating though. She’s yelling and being defiant and also hitting. Well she’s not hitting so much, only when she’s pushed to the edge really. So I don’t worry about that too much. I’m trying to curb the hitting in general but it’s not a huge deal and she doesn’t do it to anyone but us when angry.

Anyhow I’ve found in general that I’ve not been wanting to really write. I guess I don’t see the point anymore. It’s not like I have an audience at all, and those who do read regularly I live with now. So what’s the point? I mean I can try to gain some readership but I’ve found the only way to really pull in readers is to have something insane happen that is covered through the blog sphere. I have a rather regular life even if I’m in the middle of getting a divorce. It’s not anything people find to be worth reading.

And if I even got the readers why would they want to read another Mommy Blog. Of course I could change the focus of the blog, perhaps focus more on her disorder and getting information out about that. But honestly how much can you write about her disorder. She’s a normal child except for the medication she takes three times a day. We don’t have a lot of variation in our lives because of the disorder.

By the way I just have to state for a fact that those “I’m a PC” commercials are crap and downright lies sometimes. I mean seriously what the hell, is microsoft/PC people okay with putting out commercials that say MAC users are part of some sort of elite class or that we don’t care about performance or how well the computer works? I mean seriously yeah I had the Logic Board fail on this MAC but other than that it’s been a dream when it comes to how it runs and works. It’s ten times easier to use than a PC and I think it does a hell of a lot more than a PC could do. I guess the commercials bother me because frankly they’re huge exaggerations of the norms. But I guess PC is really struggling to compete with MACs so they have to do what they have to do to pull in buyers.

There I wrote about something maybe worth reading about? No? Oh okay.

Oh by the way we have to stop pussifying our children. Seriously sending two 12 year old girls with their siblings ages 8, 7 and 3 to the mall alone is not a criminal offense. People need to step back and look at the situation rationally. It’s not dangerous and certainly no one deserved to be arrested over it. We’re way too protective these days.

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But I’ve lost a home, my life in general, and any plans I had for Kaylee. And it seems to me that I’m expected to get a job ASAP and I’m sitting here thinking that I’m just trying to maintain some type of normalcy for Kaylee and frankly I’m a Stay at Home Mom. I am working. Sorry I don’t get paid for it but I’m doing something. And I know Brian doesn’t want to fork out the support but this is something he and I agreed to before we even started trying to have a baby. We sat down and made sure we were financially able to have me stay home. Apparently though those beliefs go out the window when you’re forced to maintain that lifestyle for your child.

What pisses me off too is this act like I’ve taken something from him, like I chose this. And I bend over backwards to keep Kaylee and Brian happy, she wants to see him and that’s important. And then it’s like things just get ripped away from me. You can be as nice as possible but in the end people will still screw you.

Anyhow it’s done though. Custody is worked out, support is worked out, and visitation is worked out. So now all we do is wait for it to be final.

I’d then buy a house, nothing huge because frankly I’m to lazy to clean a big house but something big enough that has a large backyard for Kaylee to play in with her friends.

She’d have a huge swing-set like thing in the back, one that she can use for a long time. And maybe a pool. I’m on the fence about a pool. They’re dangerous and frankly a lot to keep up so a pool is only if it’s there and we can’t do anything about it.

So yeah that’s my dream. I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I mean the best job I could get would pay maybe 35K if that. That’s not enough to own jack shit in this city and I don’t plan to move away. If it did allow me to own something it’d be a cheap ass town home somewhere. So the best I can hope for, for probably most of Kaylee’s childhood is being able to rent a two bedroom apartment and even then I may not be able to afford even that and might have to go with just a one bedroom for a while.

Maybe too I’ll have another child. You’d think that wouldn’t be on my mind right now but I still wish I had another. I guess it’s good that I don’t because with two this would be so much more hard but I just wish things were different of course. LOL!

Oh well. Too bad so sad.

I think we’re lucky in that Kaylee probably doesn’t understand too much nor do I think she’ll remember much of this. Hopefully that is.

But I’ve been reading comments on stories about Jon & Kate and some of them are bothersome at best. I guess it’s because I held these beliefs at one time, that anyone can work anything out if they try it. But of course it’s not until you’re living through something like this that you realize that it’s not that easy.

How do you work through multiple instances of being cheated on? How do you trust someone who so easily lied to your face?

Now of course none of the cheating has been confirmed in regards to Jon and if he did I do want to say no matter how bitchy and nasty Kate was, cheating is never an option when you’re married. It’s disrespectful and plain nasty. I consider cheating emotional abuse at best. I think for Jon & Kate there was a realization that things weren’t going well, for me I was blindsided.

And no matter how much I wanted it to work, too much abuse has been done in just under 5 weeks. Now I’m forced to do things I’d never think to do. Worry about issues and diseases I never thought I’d have to think to worry about. I’m no longer able to raise my child as I wanted and have to live with the fact that the person I married turned into someone I’d never want to associate with ever.

Now I understand there are some medical issues which cause his behavior to be this way but those medical issues will never go away and until he starts taking things seriously he’ll never be himself again. People often say that men don’t change, well mine did. He changed. And whatever illness he has, I hate that it happened. I hate that I didn’t know that this was a possibility. I hate that Kaylee is genetically predisposed to not only being an addict but now having some sort of insane mental issues. I just hope that God has dished out enough on her already with her disorder and she gets my brain which seems to be mentally stable.

And that’s the thing, people say there is a purpose and yeah I’m sure there is a reason for all of this, but I have to wonder how much we have to be put through. Kaylee has been through a lot in her short lifetime with her illness, and I’ve not had what I would consider a normal year in God knows how long. I just don’t understand how long this struggle and stress is going to last. When do I get a break and finally just get to enjoy life and not worry or be stressed out? I guess though that’s unrealistic because that’s what you do when your child in particularly has an illness. There is no such thing as not stressing out.

Anyhow hopefully someday I’ll figure out the purpose of this all. Hopefully, maybe I’ll find someone who loves me and Kaylee, although I don’t see it happening at all. Hopefully Kaylee and I will someday live peacefully and happy without much stress or worry.

My Sundress Business is taking off though. I have a current order right now and another I have to get to work on once I’m done with the current order. I’m going to try to get both done before I go on vacation but I don’t know if I’ll have time to do so since I have to move our junk from the house tomorrow, Father’s Day/Dinner is Sunday, Wednesday is our court date and then Friday we leave for vacation.

I do have to purchase a pair of slacks for the court date. I was going to wear my dress but that might be considered over dressing.

Remember to check out my store!

It’s just hard really because both he and I talked about cheating in general before we got married and how wrong it was and that if any of us got the urge or whatever that we’d break it off. Apparently though he just threw that to the wind and decided to be an asshole instead.

I mean seriously it’s the ultimate in betrayal. And a serious lack of self control and self respect. And he expects me to write out some goals, put them on paper like a contract and agree to terms and yet he’s been lying to me for God knows how long. Yeah good luck on that one. How the hell can the contract be monitored if it totally relies on someone telling the truth?

Anyhow the divorce as far as I’m concerned is final. This is the last straw. That’s that, end of story. I’m not going to be a fool anymore.

I mean look at this:

She had a room, that we spent three days getting together and painting and putting the stuff on the wall and so forth. She spent all of 30 days in that room, in her new bed which we had hyped up so much for her. Now she’s sleeping on a fucking air matress on the floor. How could anyone seriously do that?

She had a play area, a large play area. She’d run around in circles playing chase or just running. She’d play with her kitchen and make dinner or read books or just play with her kitties in the tent and now all that stuff sits and collects dust because we aren’t there.

She had a backyard that although not exactly the nicest it was good enough for her. She’d play on the patio, draw with her chalk, ride on that stupid car thing that is way too small for her. She does that same stuff here at my Mom’s house but by the beginning of next year I plan to be living on my own again and we’ll be in some stupid apartment with no yard or anything.

So I have to wonder why? Why if things were so fucking bad and had been that way for so Goddamned long why he allowed us to move? Why did he allow us to set Kaylee up for a lot of fucking disappointment? Why for Christ sake if things were so bad did he actively try for another child? I mean seriously who in their right mind does that kind of crap?

We had a home, one that Kaylee loved, and now we live in a room that’s not even ours and we have to share and it’s not to say that it’s bad because it’s not and I’m grateful I have family that will let us stay as long as we need to, but damnit how can someone be so damn mean and do that?

Now all our stuff has to go  into storage. Kaylee’s room, her toys, everything, into storage to collect more dust until I can find a job and a place to rent and it just pisses me off. It’s just so cruel of a thing to do to someone, especially your own child.

So something that I’ve been meaning to say to him since this all happened, you might want to skip this if you’re sensitive to bad language:

Fuck you!

That’s all I can think of. You fucking decided life was horrible and figured some other whore of a woman would be better than your family and threw it all away because the grass was apparently greener on the other side. But no it wasn’t. No she’s a fucked up individual, which I knew from day one, and that didn’t even work out. Now you want to be friends and lets just pretend all the cruel and nasty things that were done weren’t, right?

This is why I don’t think I could even work this out with him. How can you trust someone again and love someone again who was so mean, so heartless to not only myself but to our child. He didn’t even think, nor did he care what his actions would do to us. I hope he feels like shit after we move everything out of that house on the 20th and he sees that empty pink room. I hope this was all fucking worth it for him.

I don’t mean to be mean but I think everyone knows that I’m throughly angry at him over all of this. And everyone keeps saying how I don’t show any emotion or it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Well first off I don’t like being emotional in front of people so I suck it up and deal when around people and second I don’t like talking anyhow. I mean you can only say so much and do so much I guess. So I’ll just write it out instead.

Brian asked me, “What do you want?” What I want is to not have to worry anymore about how I’m going to do this by myself. That’s what I want.

I got tons of help so I know I won’t be alone in it but I had so many things planned for Kaylee, I wanted her to have an intact family, and that’s not going to happen. I got her into a great school so I’m not worried on that front, but I worry about how I’ll pay for that school once my spousal support ends (although who knows maybe he’ll continue to pay for it after that). I worry about paying the bills and I especially worry about spending enough time with Kaylee. I mean she’s old enough to go to school now and would have started next year if I was going to send her to school so it’s not that huge of a deal but staying until I get off work, which would be till like 5:30 depending on where I work, that just bothers me because that leaves literally 2.5 hours in the evening to spend together and frankly that’s just sad. I know moms work all the time and they do it no problem but for me this wasn’t going to be something I was going to do. I mean we discussed it. I was going to be a stay at home mom. We both agreed that was how we would raise Kaylee. But sometimes the game plan gets changed and you know me I hate with a passion when the plans change, especially without my input or knowledge.

Obviously I know it can be done, being a single mom and all, because my mom did it and managed to do it with two of us. But there are struggles which my mom hid pretty damn well that as an adult you realize and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to have to worry and stress and struggle like my mom did. And she did a damn fine job if you ask me, making sure we had what we wanted and never knew what was going on, so that’s great, but she shouldn’t have had to struggle at all. But my dad was an ass, that’s for sure.

Then people say, “Maybe you’ll find the right person in the future and love again.” And yeah I’m pretty sure this will probably happen but it’s hard for someone like me who isn’t exactly high up there on the pretty scale to think anyone in their right mind would even be remotely attracted to me. I mean seriously people, Brian was my first and only boyfriend. I was 20 when I met him. And I’m now “less attractive” because I put on more weight (although I’m hopefully going to lose it) and I have a kid which can be pretty scary to guys although in this day and age who doesn’t have a kid? But in the end though I don’t think it matters too much whether I ever fall in love again or not.

I just hope for Kaylee’s sake that life for her is fun, easy, and a happy time. And I’ll work my ass off to make it that way. Now all I need is someone to flip the switch in her brain that says it’s time to potty and poop on the toilet and we’ll be all set. LOL!

I mean this weekend we’re going camping and although I assume it will be fun, I would much rather love if this trip was funded on someone else’s dime, like Brian’s trip to Texas. But I guess I’d need to have a mental break and so forth. I think what bothers me the most is that everyone feels sympathy for him, as if I’m some how the bad guy in this whole situation. And poor Brian is just left to suffer.

Now of course his friends are going to stick by him and that’s good but I guess I wish there were more voices out there letting him know that his actions just aren’t and weren’t right. He’s still not taking any of it seriously and not doing what he needs to do and I hope he’s enjoying his absence from responsibility.

I guess that’s where I get annoyed. Cause here I am, and I feel rather alone in all of this. My mom has been through divorce but frankly my dad was an ass and pretty much gone by the time she did that. I made all these friends in the Playgroup and I’m afraid once I get a job that they’ll disappear if not because of my absence from events but also because I’ll no longer be what the majority of the group is, a stay at home mom who is married. And once they’re gone, that’s that. I mean I have friends outside of the group but none that I really hang out with right now anyhow (they’re family or like family). It’s not like though that I hang out with my group friends either outside of group events so I don’t even know what the hell I’m worried about.

But I don’t technically have to worry about that until September anyhow.

Anyhow where is my all expense paid vacation, huh? Guy has a fucking mental breaks. Destroys his daughters family and turns her world upside down, and he gets to go spend a weekend with friends at no cost to him?

I think I deserve a weekend away just so I can have a day or two where I don’t worry about how the hell we’re going to survive and how I’m going to provide Kaylee with everything I wanted to.

Well enough of the pity party because it’s stupid to waste this much time and energy on this whole thing.

A single parent (also lone parent and sole parent) is a parent who cares for one or more children without the assistance of another parent in the home.

So I guess it means I’m a single parent right now. I have sole legal and physical custody of Kaylee and Brian sees her under supervision only. So I’m technically doing it all on my own.

I don’t know though I’ve never liked the term because Kaylee does have another parent and I’ve always thought of someone saying “I’m a single mom or dad” that it meant the other parent wasn’t in the picture at all. But that’s not the definition so I guess we’ll have to throw that one out and just go ahead and use the term.

So I’m a Single Mom. Does that mean I can join sites just for Single Mothers? LOL!

Emphasis the MOST in that sentence. Frankly I think anyone would be tired of the daily reminder that life is going oh so fucking wonderful for this person. It’s just darn right annoying. I mean seriously how often can one brag about how wonderful everything is? It’s one thing to be appreciative of life, but this is so not that. It’s like some kind of attempt to prove life is really great.

On a side note, we went to Phoenix Ranch today and tomorrow I will enroll Kaylee at the school. It’s a great private school. I think she’ll love it.

In other news have I told anyone lately how insanely angry this whole situation makes me? That I depended so heavily on someone and can’t take care of myself without help? I mean seriously, I guess I just had trust in him that we were a family and that being a Stay at Home Mom was something he wanted as well. But as he told me he never intended our marriage to be a life long commitment anyhow. And that’s perhaps the most angering. That I apparently took our relationship a whole lot seriously than he did. I put up with a lot and stuck with him through things that other’s may have left their husband’s over.

And I have to wonder if it’s because I just assumed that he was as good as it gets and for someone like me I shouldn’t strive for something better? But honestly even with those times when he did some bad things I wasn’t thinking about how he’d hurt me but rather if he was going to be okay. I mean I was happy, honestly happy with how things were going. I’m not stupid, I wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but I thought it was going pretty well in general. And I was totally wrong.

I just wish I hadn’t been blindsided by this all. That I had had some sort of warning that things were so horrible for him that he felt the need to no longer be married. But that didn’t happen and so be it. But I’m still angry as hell that any of this is happening.

So help me out people. I need a new WordPress theme. I don’t know what to go with. I think I know of one but I have to look it up and download it and it may not be widget enabled which sucks.

On the Divorce front, Brian was served with his papers yesterday and now he has 30 days to respond to it. That means in six months on the 21st of whatever month that is, we will be officially divorced. I had called around looking for a therapist because I should honestly see one because although I have family to talk to you just sometimes need someone who doesn’t have an emotional vested interest in the situation. But everyone in the Simi area, sans someone I know so I’d never see her, is booked. So now I need to branch out into the TO and Westlake areas. Apparently a lot of people are depressed lately. LOL!!