Marriage

So weddings get you thinking about all that you did wrong. I think in particular some things that Bruce said during the ceremony got me thinking as well. In particular that marriage isn’t about remembering the bad things and bringing them up constantly. It made me wonder if this applies to huge indiscretions or if it just means things like forgetting to take out the trash or pay a bill. I can’t imagine it means forgetting the down right horrible things that happen to you.

Then I wonder if we did it wrong. Perhaps not doing the wedding, by placing such an unimportance on the ceremony and doing it in Vegas made it less of a commitment? Although I’m so beyond grateful we didn’t put thousands of thousands of dollars into a wedding just to have the marriage not work out.

I’ve also been thinking lately about my lack of any real choice in this. Brian keeps saying that I deserve better than him and frankly isn’t that my choice, to determine if he’s “good enough” or not? I mean why does he get to just say that I deserve better, that he’s a “bad” person. And who’s to say I’d find better anyhow. I guess I’m just annoyed with the lack of say in the matter. I forgave a lot of what he’s done in the past, I did make a commitment to be with him through better or worse and yeah some things were pretty bad but that didn’t change anything and the vows I took. I guess people would say that’s stupid.

I mean even after this last event, whether he cheated or not, because I don’t know for sure because he’s told a lot of lies, I was willing to forgive, forget and work on our marriage.

I mean even now, no matter how much I would love to ignore him, if he were to call for help I’d drop everything and go help him. It pisses my mom off that I do that. But frankly whether people believe it or not, I actually do love the guy and I worry constantly about him, and I pray constantly that he gets some peace with his disorder and that he gets the happiness he seems to be looking for. And I’m sad that I couldn’t provide that for him.

Anyhow perhaps in general we just went about things all wrong. Who knows. One just hopes that in fact people are right, that I can someday find someone who’ll love me. I guess I just don’t understand how two people who had so much in common, at least I thought so, and even if he didn’t think it I was intensly interested in what he did and liked, just could fall apart like that.

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