Someone posted on a message board asking us what the best part of being divorced was. Other than getting every other weekend “off” not much is great about being divorced. I get it, most people don’t like their ex’s and have very bad divorces, or their marriages were just bad.
I can’t say that my marriage was horrible. There were just things that could not be accepted, that were not things that I was willing to have our kids grow up with. And I don’t know. I don’t know if divorcing me was what Brian needed, perhaps marriage was bad for him, or divorce was just a kick in the ass to make him do what was right, but he’s done what he should have done while we were married.
So to me being divorced really sucks because frankly I think we had a rather good marriage when things weren’t so out of control. I think focus shifted onto Kaylee and that spurred a lot of what happened. You know you have to care about your spouse and while kids are important to focus about, it’s not good when you neglect your spouse.
And I know I was far from perfect. Brian dealt with the stress of having children and in particular a sick child, in a certain way. I think the weight of providing for the kids was heavy on him. I dealt with the stress the only way I knew how, control and planning. Which meant when things didn’t go as I wanted, I could have a temper. Plus I was dealing with anxiety on top of it all.
So I think in the end we didn’t handle having a sick child very well. And that’s really too bad. I think we could have made it if we had just taken the time to really look at what we were doing and how it was affecting us.
But who knows, I might be delusional in it all. I don’t know for sure how Brian really felt about anything. The divorce in the end was in fact my doing. I don’t know if it’s something he feels was needed, we’ve never talked about it. He told me when we first divorced that nothing was my fault, and while it would be lovely to believe that, it’s really hard to believe. I mean frankly I can’t put all the things that went wrong solely on him, no matter how much easier that would be, and doing so would never allow me to understand where I went wrong in this whole thing.
Still though sometimes I get angry. Maybe at the lack of acknowledgement of what happened, the things that were done, what I went through. I don’t even know if he understands that even to this day, if I don’t get a text or call from him I worry that something has gone wrong. I mean seriously every time he has been in serious trouble I’ve dropped everything to help. Some sort of acknowledgment of that, maybe even a “Sorry I put you through that” would be nice.
There have been two times in my life where I thought I was going to lose someone I loved (like literally die). When Kaylee was in the hospital being diagnosed, and when Brian was in the hospital right before our divorce. He doesn’t remember much of that time, but I sure as hell do. I kind of wish he would acknowledge how traumatic that situation was. How hard it was to walk into the room and see him in a coma, hooked up to all sorts of machines and wires, and have a doctor tell you they don’t know if he would wake up. It was hard, really hard.
Anyhow I think that’s the only thing that really angers me in this whole thing. I don’t care about the things he did, the mistakes he made, I’m only anger over what seems as a lack of realization about how that effected me. Everything has been about him for so long. Always worrying about him. Making sure he’s okay, so that he will be around. I often wonder when someone will actually care about me as well. I really wish I could just stop caring.
Well it looks like spell check is not working, there are words I spelled two different ways and apparently are both right, so you’ll have to just suck it up and deal with my spelling errors. Hey I’ve never been known for being a great speller.
For those who know me in real life, I write because I don’t like to talk. So don’t try to talk to me about this. LOL!