Because I Should Care!

Vacation Day 1 was horrible. You may be wondering how I can post because I’m supposed to be camping. Well no where in nearly 60 miles of the Mammoth Lakes area were there camping sites for us to camp in so we’re staying two nights in a hotel and hoping that most people will be leaving on Sunday and we’ll be able to find something.

The day started off good, we made good time to Mammoth. But then it went downhill. We went to four camp sites and found nothing. Then I blew a tire so right now I’m riding on a spare. Tomorrow I’ll get a brand new tire since I punctured a hole in the side wall of the tire, just my luck, because if it had been on the tread I could have had it repaired. Whatever.

Then we drove all over Tom’s Cabin and Bishop and found nothing. We visited at least 10 different camp sites and they had nothing. Frankly it sucked. Makes you just want to go home but Kaylee has been so excited about this trip that we can’t go home. Hopefully Sunday proves better.

Then I’m worried about money since I’m now buying a freaking new tire. I just hope they deposit my check in on Wednesday and don’t put a hold on it. I can’t afford a hold on my check.

So that is day one. Tomorrow is new tire, probably just hanging out here in Bishop and breakfast with the folks. Maybe we can get some fishing in.

I’ve never understood the concept of cheating on your spouse. It’s the ultimate in disrespect to not only yourself but also to your whole family. So when the governor of SC took his trip to South America to visit his girl on the side I found his tearful excuses and half -assed apology to be frankly disgusting and downright hilarious.

To me it seems that his wife had already reached the end of her rope anyhow and kicked him out of the house probably because he’s one hell of a liar and didn’t end the affair like he had told her he had. I mean during his apology he apologized to his honey on the side, not his wife. I mean seriously does he not see how much he’s messed up his family?

But forget all that stuff. He left the state, told no one and disappeared for nearly a week. Seriously does this guy think he’ll keep his job? And does anyone there want him to keep his job. You depend on these people to represent you and the state and then one just up and disappears? I don’t think so. I’d kick his ass out as soon as possible.

One has to wonder if he has some mental issues though because this whole thought process by him is so screwed up that the only thing that can explain this behavior is some sort of mental illness. Or he’s just really stupid. Who knows.

It seems lately you’re hearing a lot of things about people cheating and I’m seeing a lot more posts by Mommy Bloggers who are finding out their spouses have been cheating on them and are going through divorce as well and you have to wonder if it’s because of a shift to acceptance that men do those things. I think in the past cheating was really looked down upon, at least it wasn’t openly admitted to and people were more careful. Now it’s just expected that men will do this so you don’t see as much criticism of it. Of course no one wants to play moral police on people either. But where men get off acting that way is beyond me.

My dream is to somehow come into a lot of money, either through getting a really good job, or lets say winning the lottery.

I’d then buy a house, nothing huge because frankly I’m to lazy to clean a big house but something big enough that has a large backyard for Kaylee to play in with her friends.

She’d have a huge swing-set like thing in the back, one that she can use for a long time. And maybe a pool. I’m on the fence about a pool. They’re dangerous and frankly a lot to keep up so a pool is only if it’s there and we can’t do anything about it.

So yeah that’s my dream. I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I mean the best job I could get would pay maybe 35K if that. That’s not enough to own jack shit in this city and I don’t plan to move away. If it did allow me to own something it’d be a cheap ass town home somewhere. So the best I can hope for, for probably most of Kaylee’s childhood is being able to rent a two bedroom apartment and even then I may not be able to afford even that and might have to go with just a one bedroom for a while.

Maybe too I’ll have another child. You’d think that wouldn’t be on my mind right now but I still wish I had another. I guess it’s good that I don’t because with two this would be so much more hard but I just wish things were different of course. LOL!

Oh well. Too bad so sad.

So today Jon & Kate made it official and the divorce papers have been failed. Of course there are a lot of theories as to why this has happened and so forth. Whatever the reasons I know this has to be a trying time for the children. Sadly even though they are young they’re old enough to know what is going on.

I think we’re lucky in that Kaylee probably doesn’t understand too much nor do I think she’ll remember much of this. Hopefully that is.

But I’ve been reading comments on stories about Jon & Kate and some of them are bothersome at best. I guess it’s because I held these beliefs at one time, that anyone can work anything out if they try it. But of course it’s not until you’re living through something like this that you realize that it’s not that easy.

How do you work through multiple instances of being cheated on? How do you trust someone who so easily lied to your face?

Now of course none of the cheating has been confirmed in regards to Jon and if he did I do want to say no matter how bitchy and nasty Kate was, cheating is never an option when you’re married. It’s disrespectful and plain nasty. I consider cheating emotional abuse at best. I think for Jon & Kate there was a realization that things weren’t going well, for me I was blindsided.

And no matter how much I wanted it to work, too much abuse has been done in just under 5 weeks. Now I’m forced to do things I’d never think to do. Worry about issues and diseases I never thought I’d have to think to worry about. I’m no longer able to raise my child as I wanted and have to live with the fact that the person I married turned into someone I’d never want to associate with ever.

Now I understand there are some medical issues which cause his behavior to be this way but those medical issues will never go away and until he starts taking things seriously he’ll never be himself again. People often say that men don’t change, well mine did. He changed. And whatever illness he has, I hate that it happened. I hate that I didn’t know that this was a possibility. I hate that Kaylee is genetically predisposed to not only being an addict but now having some sort of insane mental issues. I just hope that God has dished out enough on her already with her disorder and she gets my brain which seems to be mentally stable.

And that’s the thing, people say there is a purpose and yeah I’m sure there is a reason for all of this, but I have to wonder how much we have to be put through. Kaylee has been through a lot in her short lifetime with her illness, and I’ve not had what I would consider a normal year in God knows how long. I just don’t understand how long this struggle and stress is going to last. When do I get a break and finally just get to enjoy life and not worry or be stressed out? I guess though that’s unrealistic because that’s what you do when your child in particularly has an illness. There is no such thing as not stressing out.

Anyhow hopefully someday I’ll figure out the purpose of this all. Hopefully, maybe I’ll find someone who loves me and Kaylee, although I don’t see it happening at all. Hopefully Kaylee and I will someday live peacefully and happy without much stress or worry.

With this whole health care business going on these days I’ve been hearing more and more one of the most disturbing things to come out of this whole issue:

That health care isn’t a right.

Frankly that people are so cold hearted and mean it’s not even funny. I guess though I shouldn’t be surprised. What’s more bothersome is people assume that those who need health care the most are just lazy people who aren’t trying to better their situation.

I don’t understand why people are so darn mean.

So around the Internet today and tomorrow you’ll see blog posts about Father’s Day and people honoring their fathers. I actually read a few today and they were nice. I read somewhere, I can’t remember where, that we should all take times to honor our father’s.

So here’s my father:

In 1996, just after I turned 14, my dad disappeared. Now it’s not like he went missing or anything like that, he just decided to check out and no longer wanted contact with my sister and I.

In 2002 my father called me after I think two years or so of me writing him letters. The DA would forward my letters to him because for some reason he paid child support for those two years. Anyhow I must have guilt tripped him into calling me and he finally did. I think it was more to tell me to stop sending the letters because like I said I do a pretty good guilt trip when needed. He contacted me two or three more times after that and then disappeared again.

In 2007 my Grandmother, his mother died, and he didn’t show up for the funeral. That says a lot about his character frankly.

So what made my father such an asshole?

Plain and simple, alcohol and drugs.

I’ve forgiven him for his crap but if say he were to show up tomorrow at our door step I sure wouldn’t act like nothing happened and just invite him in. You have to protest yourself from self destructive people and he was one. Who knows what he would be like sober, because he never was ever sober, but you just can’t trust someone to be appropriate when so many years they’ve spent being inappropriate.

So that’s my father for Father’s Day.

Some would consider him merely a sperm donor which yeah that’s technically all he was ever really good for.

So how about a real Father to honor?!

My Step-Dad has been there for us ever since my father left. And that’s through all the good times and bad times. He’s a great Grandpa too. Kaylee loves him to death. So in the end no one really lost anything in the father area when my father left.

So Kaylee has turned into an imagination machine. I’m not sure if it’s because of the Imagination Movers or it’s just part of their development. Anyhow she likes to tell stories, have stories told to her, talk to you about your day, sing and just play with her doll house in general. It’s actually pretty cool to see. Sometimes it’s annoying though because she’s constantly talking.

My Sundress Business is taking off though. I have a current order right now and another I have to get to work on once I’m done with the current order. I’m going to try to get both done before I go on vacation but I don’t know if I’ll have time to do so since I have to move our junk from the house tomorrow, Father’s Day/Dinner is Sunday, Wednesday is our court date and then Friday we leave for vacation.

I do have to purchase a pair of slacks for the court date. I was going to wear my dress but that might be considered over dressing.

Remember to check out my store!

So I decided to take my Sundress store off Etsy because of the fees and put it on my own website which has no fees. The only fee will be the percentage PayPal takes which would have been taken anyhow by them. So that’s good.

If you want to check it out go here. I do custom orders as well and as I make more (I have six more types) I’ll put them up on the site as well for sale. Each is $15 which I think is reasonable. I only ship to the US and Canada though because of costs.

So pass it around and tell your friends!

Check Out My Store!

So it’s official. I’m one of those women who have no idea their husband has been cheating on them. I mean there is not much more to say than that.

It’s just hard really because both he and I talked about cheating in general before we got married and how wrong it was and that if any of us got the urge or whatever that we’d break it off. Apparently though he just threw that to the wind and decided to be an asshole instead.

I mean seriously it’s the ultimate in betrayal. And a serious lack of self control and self respect. And he expects me to write out some goals, put them on paper like a contract and agree to terms and yet he’s been lying to me for God knows how long. Yeah good luck on that one. How the hell can the contract be monitored if it totally relies on someone telling the truth?

Anyhow the divorce as far as I’m concerned is final. This is the last straw. That’s that, end of story. I’m not going to be a fool anymore.

So over the weekend a driver in the Mexico NASCAR series died in a horrific crash on the final lap. If you want to see the video just hit up YouTube, it’s all over the place. None of it’s translated though. But the accident is just beyond what you’d think you would see in NASCAR in general.

The questions I have about this whole situation are, 1. Are the cars the same? 2. Do they have the same safety standards as NASCAR here in the states? 3. Who the hell designed that track that way? 4. Was the guy who spun out the dude who died being a bastard?

1. By looking at the video I don’t think these are the same cars we see driven here. The way the car fell apart, I doubt they’re designed anywhere near as good as the cars here.

2. I don’t know about the safety standards. The crash was so horrific that I think anyone even in the COT would have been severely injured if not killed. But like I said above the car just broke apart and that to me leads me to believe that it didn’t work like it should have.

3. Some idiot must have designed the track there and that’s who I place blame on. You do not leave openings on the track like that. NASCAR here in the states seems to have learned that lesson over the years with similar but less serious accidents. I just don’t get why that opening was there and obviously the outcome of this crash shows why it shouldn’t have been there.

4. The guy who spun him out, well it was a punk ass move but it’s NASCAR and that’s part of racing. They say the leader threw a block, I don’t know whether that’s true or not but spinning out the lead car to gain a win has been a method of winning for quite some time. I’m sure the guy feels horrible for what’s happened, but I place blame on the track and the owner of the track for letting that design go ahead.

Hopefully they make some changes so this doesn’t happen anymore.

It’s your resident “fat ass”! I know who you are! =-) If all you got is calling my sister and I fat asses, then I’m fine with that. It’s not like it’s a lie or anything. LOL! Why don’t you crawl back into your NASCAR obsessed, stalker hole and leave us alone. I know you won’t because your maturity level is that of a three year old, but at least I can ask.

So we left on Friday and put up camp and made dinner which was chicken. Sadly the chicken wasn’t cooked all the way but hey dinner was good anyhow. Then Mom and Nick took off to hide the boxes for the game that was going to happen on Saturday. When they returned we made a fire and sat and told stories and so forth. Kaylee didn’t get to bed until 10:30pm that night.

Then at 11:30pm or so some jackass youngins rode into camp and decided it was a great time to get the quads out and ride around camp. They finally went to bed themselves at like 1am or so. As retaliation Mom was up at 6:30am the next morning and she got the Jeep out and moved it next to their camp and revved the hell out of it and woke the bastards up. Don’t worry most everyone else in camp was already up.

Then we headed to the GPS Treasure hunt. Five Jeeps showed up and they went off to find some boxes with GPS coordinates. They had tons of fun. I made a slide show which you can see here. And the pictures are posted here.

Then we had a BBQ for lunch and talked and stuff. We saw a few lizards and saw one almost get eaten by a snake. It wasn’t a Rattle Snake but it freaked us out. Just shot right out of the bush at a lizard we were looking at!

Then we went back to camp and had a little Jeeping trip where we saw two Deer (one female and one male) and then was we were driving a quad came around the corner but didn’t see us and when he did he slammed on the brakes and his rear end started to slide around and then he hit a lip and flipped over. It was a very slow flip and his friend seemed more annoyed with his friend being a moron than anything. We asked if the guy was okay and he was like “yah” and then we went on our way and laughed our butts off about it. Seriously the guy wasn’t paying attention. Then two other people nearly did the same thing. If you ride quads or motorcycles in Hungry Valley you need to pay attention to what’s going on around you.

Then we went back to camp and had hamburgers for dinner which were great. And then we had a fire and told stories and went to bed at 10pm that night. Luckily the dumbasses didn’t stay so it was a quite night.

I woke up at 2:30am because my mattress was flat and went out to the bathroom and it was clear and the moon was as bright as the sun. It was great. I love that stuff.

I woke up at 6:30am and started breaking down camp and waited for Mom, Nick and Kaylee to get up. We went on one last Jeep trip where we saw some low lifes who had killed a rabbit and they were skinning it and Kaylee drove the Jeep and then we headed home.

I think it was a great weekend. In two weeks we head up to Mammoth for a week long camping trip. That should be fun because the whole family will be there.

So we’re going camping this weekend. We should leave soon and be back on Sunday. So no updates until then. I will be taking lots of pictures. =-)

So I’m laying here in bed tonight and thinking, “Why did Brian let us move and set up a new home for Kaylee if he was so damn unhappy? I mean honestly why would anyone do that?”

I mean look at this:

She had a room, that we spent three days getting together and painting and putting the stuff on the wall and so forth. She spent all of 30 days in that room, in her new bed which we had hyped up so much for her. Now she’s sleeping on a fucking air matress on the floor. How could anyone seriously do that?

She had a play area, a large play area. She’d run around in circles playing chase or just running. She’d play with her kitchen and make dinner or read books or just play with her kitties in the tent and now all that stuff sits and collects dust because we aren’t there.

She had a backyard that although not exactly the nicest it was good enough for her. She’d play on the patio, draw with her chalk, ride on that stupid car thing that is way too small for her. She does that same stuff here at my Mom’s house but by the beginning of next year I plan to be living on my own again and we’ll be in some stupid apartment with no yard or anything.

So I have to wonder why? Why if things were so fucking bad and had been that way for so Goddamned long why he allowed us to move? Why did he allow us to set Kaylee up for a lot of fucking disappointment? Why for Christ sake if things were so bad did he actively try for another child? I mean seriously who in their right mind does that kind of crap?

We had a home, one that Kaylee loved, and now we live in a room that’s not even ours and we have to share and it’s not to say that it’s bad because it’s not and I’m grateful I have family that will let us stay as long as we need to, but damnit how can someone be so damn mean and do that?

Now all our stuff has to go  into storage. Kaylee’s room, her toys, everything, into storage to collect more dust until I can find a job and a place to rent and it just pisses me off. It’s just so cruel of a thing to do to someone, especially your own child.

So something that I’ve been meaning to say to him since this all happened, you might want to skip this if you’re sensitive to bad language:

Fuck you!

That’s all I can think of. You fucking decided life was horrible and figured some other whore of a woman would be better than your family and threw it all away because the grass was apparently greener on the other side. But no it wasn’t. No she’s a fucked up individual, which I knew from day one, and that didn’t even work out. Now you want to be friends and lets just pretend all the cruel and nasty things that were done weren’t, right?

This is why I don’t think I could even work this out with him. How can you trust someone again and love someone again who was so mean, so heartless to not only myself but to our child. He didn’t even think, nor did he care what his actions would do to us. I hope he feels like shit after we move everything out of that house on the 20th and he sees that empty pink room. I hope this was all fucking worth it for him.

I don’t mean to be mean but I think everyone knows that I’m throughly angry at him over all of this. And everyone keeps saying how I don’t show any emotion or it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Well first off I don’t like being emotional in front of people so I suck it up and deal when around people and second I don’t like talking anyhow. I mean you can only say so much and do so much I guess. So I’ll just write it out instead.

Brian asked me, “What do you want?” What I want is to not have to worry anymore about how I’m going to do this by myself. That’s what I want.

I got tons of help so I know I won’t be alone in it but I had so many things planned for Kaylee, I wanted her to have an intact family, and that’s not going to happen. I got her into a great school so I’m not worried on that front, but I worry about how I’ll pay for that school once my spousal support ends (although who knows maybe he’ll continue to pay for it after that). I worry about paying the bills and I especially worry about spending enough time with Kaylee. I mean she’s old enough to go to school now and would have started next year if I was going to send her to school so it’s not that huge of a deal but staying until I get off work, which would be till like 5:30 depending on where I work, that just bothers me because that leaves literally 2.5 hours in the evening to spend together and frankly that’s just sad. I know moms work all the time and they do it no problem but for me this wasn’t going to be something I was going to do. I mean we discussed it. I was going to be a stay at home mom. We both agreed that was how we would raise Kaylee. But sometimes the game plan gets changed and you know me I hate with a passion when the plans change, especially without my input or knowledge.

Obviously I know it can be done, being a single mom and all, because my mom did it and managed to do it with two of us. But there are struggles which my mom hid pretty damn well that as an adult you realize and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to have to worry and stress and struggle like my mom did. And she did a damn fine job if you ask me, making sure we had what we wanted and never knew what was going on, so that’s great, but she shouldn’t have had to struggle at all. But my dad was an ass, that’s for sure.

Then people say, “Maybe you’ll find the right person in the future and love again.” And yeah I’m pretty sure this will probably happen but it’s hard for someone like me who isn’t exactly high up there on the pretty scale to think anyone in their right mind would even be remotely attracted to me. I mean seriously people, Brian was my first and only boyfriend. I was 20 when I met him. And I’m now “less attractive” because I put on more weight (although I’m hopefully going to lose it) and I have a kid which can be pretty scary to guys although in this day and age who doesn’t have a kid? But in the end though I don’t think it matters too much whether I ever fall in love again or not.

I just hope for Kaylee’s sake that life for her is fun, easy, and a happy time. And I’ll work my ass off to make it that way. Now all I need is someone to flip the switch in her brain that says it’s time to potty and poop on the toilet and we’ll be all set. LOL!