So I’m laying here in bed tonight and thinking, “Why did Brian let us move and set up a new home for Kaylee if he was so damn unhappy? I mean honestly why would anyone do that?”
I mean look at this:
She had a room, that we spent three days getting together and painting and putting the stuff on the wall and so forth. She spent all of 30 days in that room, in her new bed which we had hyped up so much for her. Now she’s sleeping on a fucking air matress on the floor. How could anyone seriously do that?
She had a play area, a large play area. She’d run around in circles playing chase or just running. She’d play with her kitchen and make dinner or read books or just play with her kitties in the tent and now all that stuff sits and collects dust because we aren’t there.
She had a backyard that although not exactly the nicest it was good enough for her. She’d play on the patio, draw with her chalk, ride on that stupid car thing that is way too small for her. She does that same stuff here at my Mom’s house but by the beginning of next year I plan to be living on my own again and we’ll be in some stupid apartment with no yard or anything.
So I have to wonder why? Why if things were so fucking bad and had been that way for so Goddamned long why he allowed us to move? Why did he allow us to set Kaylee up for a lot of fucking disappointment? Why for Christ sake if things were so bad did he actively try for another child? I mean seriously who in their right mind does that kind of crap?
We had a home, one that Kaylee loved, and now we live in a room that’s not even ours and we have to share and it’s not to say that it’s bad because it’s not and I’m grateful I have family that will let us stay as long as we need to, but damnit how can someone be so damn mean and do that?
Now all our stuff has to go into storage. Kaylee’s room, her toys, everything, into storage to collect more dust until I can find a job and a place to rent and it just pisses me off. It’s just so cruel of a thing to do to someone, especially your own child.
So something that I’ve been meaning to say to him since this all happened, you might want to skip this if you’re sensitive to bad language:
Fuck you!
That’s all I can think of. You fucking decided life was horrible and figured some other whore of a woman would be better than your family and threw it all away because the grass was apparently greener on the other side. But no it wasn’t. No she’s a fucked up individual, which I knew from day one, and that didn’t even work out. Now you want to be friends and lets just pretend all the cruel and nasty things that were done weren’t, right?
This is why I don’t think I could even work this out with him. How can you trust someone again and love someone again who was so mean, so heartless to not only myself but to our child. He didn’t even think, nor did he care what his actions would do to us. I hope he feels like shit after we move everything out of that house on the 20th and he sees that empty pink room. I hope this was all fucking worth it for him.
I don’t mean to be mean but I think everyone knows that I’m throughly angry at him over all of this. And everyone keeps saying how I don’t show any emotion or it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Well first off I don’t like being emotional in front of people so I suck it up and deal when around people and second I don’t like talking anyhow. I mean you can only say so much and do so much I guess. So I’ll just write it out instead.
Brian asked me, “What do you want?” What I want is to not have to worry anymore about how I’m going to do this by myself. That’s what I want.
I got tons of help so I know I won’t be alone in it but I had so many things planned for Kaylee, I wanted her to have an intact family, and that’s not going to happen. I got her into a great school so I’m not worried on that front, but I worry about how I’ll pay for that school once my spousal support ends (although who knows maybe he’ll continue to pay for it after that). I worry about paying the bills and I especially worry about spending enough time with Kaylee. I mean she’s old enough to go to school now and would have started next year if I was going to send her to school so it’s not that huge of a deal but staying until I get off work, which would be till like 5:30 depending on where I work, that just bothers me because that leaves literally 2.5 hours in the evening to spend together and frankly that’s just sad. I know moms work all the time and they do it no problem but for me this wasn’t going to be something I was going to do. I mean we discussed it. I was going to be a stay at home mom. We both agreed that was how we would raise Kaylee. But sometimes the game plan gets changed and you know me I hate with a passion when the plans change, especially without my input or knowledge.
Obviously I know it can be done, being a single mom and all, because my mom did it and managed to do it with two of us. But there are struggles which my mom hid pretty damn well that as an adult you realize and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to have to worry and stress and struggle like my mom did. And she did a damn fine job if you ask me, making sure we had what we wanted and never knew what was going on, so that’s great, but she shouldn’t have had to struggle at all. But my dad was an ass, that’s for sure.
Then people say, “Maybe you’ll find the right person in the future and love again.” And yeah I’m pretty sure this will probably happen but it’s hard for someone like me who isn’t exactly high up there on the pretty scale to think anyone in their right mind would even be remotely attracted to me. I mean seriously people, Brian was my first and only boyfriend. I was 20 when I met him. And I’m now “less attractive” because I put on more weight (although I’m hopefully going to lose it) and I have a kid which can be pretty scary to guys although in this day and age who doesn’t have a kid? But in the end though I don’t think it matters too much whether I ever fall in love again or not.
I just hope for Kaylee’s sake that life for her is fun, easy, and a happy time. And I’ll work my ass off to make it that way. Now all I need is someone to flip the switch in her brain that says it’s time to potty and poop on the toilet and we’ll be all set. LOL!